Well kids, I have PTSD and horrible, awful insomnia. With that comes depression, anxiety, emotional numbness, fear of isolation, and a variety of other things.
I spent February 6th in the emergency room detoxing from an attempted overdose and was moved to a clinic where I continued to sleep all day and threw up occasionally. February 7th I was moved to the hospital’s psychiatric floor and was discharged from there on the 11th. At first it was very hard. I’m very sensitive to sudden loud noises and yelling, so it was difficult having a schizophrenic roommate and our room was next to the restraint room.
That being said, I needed to be there every second that I was there. I went to many different group sessions, trying to understand what my disease is, different coping skills, and relaxation techniques. I was scared to leave the controlled environment and go out into the real world, but that first breath of fresh air was more amazing than I could describe.
Before I attempted, I was having 6 to 7 major flashbacks a day, and was barely getting two hours of sleep at night. I would be at work and forget where I was, what I was doing, even my coworkers names. I would be awake when I felt like I was sleeping and vice versa. Now i’m happy to say I’ve only had three major triggers since I’ve been out and I’m sleeping much better with medication.
I still have a lot of numbness with things. I don’t cry at tv shows or movies anymore. I’m no where near as social with my friends and i’m much more intense at work, but I know there are all normal things and they’re not permanent.
I have to admit it’s hard being sober. I always turned to drugs and alcohol to self-medicate, and now I have to embrace my wave of feelings full on. I can’t even drink as much coffee anymore because the caffeine makes my anxiety worse.
I’m on this big life journey of rediscovery and trying to find value and happiness in life again. Everything is still hard to talk about, but I know now that this isn’t permanent and things will, slowly, get better.